Well Meaning Advice

Posted on July 4, 2021
Archive : July 2021
Category : Ripples Blog

Well Meaning Advice



We all do it, we do it with good intentions, but sometimes we just get it wrong.   I am talking about "well meaning advice" - the type of suggestions we make to friends and family all the time and some times it is better to say nothing.

I was reminded only yesterday of how when somebody tells you about something that's going wrong in their life how we can immediately jump in to offer advice.   Why do we do that?   It may be because we have had a similar experience in our life, it may be that we are older and think we know best, it may be that we feel so sad for that person  and just have to say something to ease their pain.    If we stop ourselves and turn our awareness inside and review our thoughts and feelings we find it's always about "us" and how we see the world and what we think is right.

What I have noticed over time is that most people just want to feel heard and for us to acknowledge how they are feeling and our attempts to "fix the problem" are just not appropriate at that moment.   Can you remember a time when you knew that you had to change something in your own life but just weren't ready and no matter how many times someone made helpful suggestions you rejected them all?     When we are ready we make the decision to change - no amount of advice from anyone before that point of decision really helped.   Trying to help someone before they are ready isn't going to work very well.  We can't help people who haven't reached the point where they want to be helped.

So learning to stop jumping in is a skill.   We first have to notice ourselves doing it, then we have to stop ourselves before we say the words and then make a different decision.   Catch it, Challenge it, Change it.   That mantra applies to so  many things and is an incredibly useful tool.   It's really getting to know yourself.

Can I set you a challenge for the month?   The next time a friend tells you something and your instinct is to leap in, don't.   Turn your thoughts inside and find out what's going on, are you feeling uncomfortable, do you just want to "fix" something, remember that you can't and then do something else and doing something may be doing nothing.

A really great phrase for a friend in distress who is sharing their innermost feelings is simply to hold their hand and just say "I hear you".   We cannot know completely what this person is feeling, we cannot "fix" anyone, only they can do it when they are ready - not that they are broken, they are just learning one of life's mysterious lessons.

Keep a notebook of your attempts this month and then see what you learn about yourself.

Namaste



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